What others think of us
Why do we get consumed with what others think of us, and how do we know if this is healthy self-awareness, or if it’s an unhealthy obsession? Just like so many things in life, thinking about how others perceive us has positive and negative impacts on our lives. Let’s dig deeper into why we care, and how to care in a healthy way.
The first question is “why do we care what others think?” The short answer… because you’re human. In 1943, Abraham Maslow released “A Theory of Human Motivation.” In the paper, he introduced the now famous hierarchy of needs. Maslow believed that after our basic needs and our connection needs are met, we have the need for others to respect us and recognize our worth. He was the first psychologist to recognize our need for socialization and acceptance.
Psychologist and author, Brene Brown, defines shame as the fear of disconnection. In her book, “Daring Greatly,” she shares that “we are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually, hardwired for connection with others.” She calls shame the fear of not being or doing enough for others to accept you.
What does this mean for us? For starters, we can stop telling ourselves that we shouldn’t care what others think. Everyone does (to varying degrees)! Further, caring what others think can create healthy motivations (to be more social, to look presentable, to study for that test, or be productive). But how do we ensure that this need for acceptance is healthy? The key may be in having a deeper understanding self-worth, so that you don’t have to rely solely on others. A foundation of self-worth comes from recognizing that we are fully loved and accepted by our creator. God loves us unconditionally, and by living our lives for Him, it relieves the stress of having to impress other people.
When our need to impress others overcomes our own values, we can fall into the sin of vanity and become obsessed with impressing others. In Samuel 1 (13-15) we see examples from the stories of King Saul which point to his vanity. He continually gets consumed with his own power and fame and chooses to prove his greatness to those around him. He forgets that God gave him everything, hence his getting lost in his own vanity. King Saul outwardly showed strength, but underneath it was shame of not achieving on his own and a deep fear of being irrelevant.
So, what are the key points here? In summary:
1) We all feel the need for approval from others (it’s in our nature)
2) Approval from others does not define our self-worth
3) We are ALL inherently worthy and loved as children of God
This blog reminds me of words found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta… If you’re not familiar, Google it… They are inspiring words to live by.
