Who Needs Friends?

Who needs friends? This is the name of my most recent read. Author Andrew McCarthy (known as an 80’s actor in a few popular movies) wrote this engaging book about exploring male friendship and personally trying to rejuvenate many of his own relationships.   

One could argue that we all need friends to live fulfilled lives. In a recent study shared by the American Psychological Association and the US Surgeon General, researchers found that loneliness increases premature death by 30%, specifically increasing the risk of stroke and heart disease. Similar studies out of Harvard in 2016 shared similar results, also connecting loneliness to high blood pressure and a weakened immune system.  Less surprisingly, isolation increases risk of depression, anxiety, and dementia. To summarize, social isolation exceeds the health risk of obesity, inactivity, air pollution, consuming 6 drinks a day, and smoking 15 cigarettes a day!  

I suppose it makes sense that the US Surgeon General has declared a loneliness epidemic in 2023. While not immune, McCarthy points out that women tend to prioritize relationships much better than men. Many men struggle to create and cultivate deep relationships with other men, resulting in feelings of isolation. In this LA Times article, Laura Newberry points out that over 1 in 7 men confess to having no friends (fivefold increase since 1990).  Isolation deprives us from so much in life. Through friendships, we derive purpose, connection, support, happiness, and community.  

So, what’s the problem? For starters, the obvious problem with men is the discomfort in being vulnerable or “weak.” We prefer to keep conversation around sports, news, activities, and daily living. This results in a lot of acquaintances, but few friends you would call in the middle of the night with an emergency.

Another potential problem is when friendships dissolve. Aristotle said friendships are challenged when the nature of the friendship is not equal for each person. He describes three types of friends. You have utility-based friends with whom you share benefit from the exchange (think work friends). You have pleasure-based friends with whom you have fun and enjoy company. Lastly, you have character-based friends, based on care and support. Character-based friends make us better, and we make them better. Have you ever had a situation where you don’t quite know where your friendship stands? This can lead to resentment and eventually separation if each person has different expectations.

Another issue, for both men and women, is the busyness in our lives. We are perpetually busy. Author Matthew Kelly described our busyness culture as being so bad that people pretend to be busy even if they’re not because our definition of successful demands it! Being busy with work, activities, studies, taking care of homes and cars, leaves very little time or energy for friendships.

In “Who Needs Friends,” McCarthy decides to hit the road on a countrywide road trip to rekindle relationships.  It’s an inspiring approach to both fiending friends and connecting with our beautiful country in real life (vs on a screen). If you can’t hit the road, you can hit the phone. Yes, phones work both ways, but sometimes our friends need a nudge (or ten)…