How to Argue
“No one ever taught me how to have an argument.” A client said this to me recently. He shared how unprepared he felt to work through disagreements with his wife in a healthy, productive way.
The truth is, many of us never learn how to handle conflict. We might grow up seeing arguments that end in silence or shouting, but rarely do we see examples of disagreement handled with care, empathy, and respect. Yet conflict is an inevitable — and even essential — part of meaningful relationships.
Fortunately, there are effective tools that can help us turn conflict into connection and use moments of tension to deepen understanding. When I work with clients, I often share three key steps to keep in mind during conflict.
1) Develop Self Awareness:
The first you need awareness of your own state of mind. This requires intentional, individual effort. Do an inventory of your own mood.
Ask: What’s my state of mind right now? Am I calm and grounded enough to listen with compassion?
When you approach your partner, your goal shouldn’t be to “win” the argument or prove your point — it should be to connect and understand. If you notice defensiveness, frustration, or blame rising up, it may not be the right time to talk. One practical strategy is to schedule sensitive discussions at a time that is safe for both of you.
2) Create a Framework for Emotionally Safe Conversations
Having a clear framework helps keep discussions productive and respectful. I have a few tools HERE that I use with clients depending on the type of conflict. They all begin with empathy. Approach the discussion with the intent of understanding, and a simple structure to ensure taking turns to speak and reflect back. With empathy as your guide, conflict becomes less about being right and more about being real with one another.
3) Establish a Healthy “Out”
Even when we approach conflict with the best intentions, there may be times when emotions become overwhelming. In those moments, having a clear plan for taking a break can prevent unnecessary hurt.
The Gottman tool is called the Effective Break Ritual. You have a safe way to request a break, and you decide when you will try to discuss the issue again. Then, it’s important to shift your focus to something else (avoid ruminating) during the break. This allows both partners to regulate their emotions and return to the conversation with greater calm and clarity.
The three steps are outlined below. I hope you find them helpful!
SELF AWARENESS:
Be aware of your mindset - focus on compassion and understanding
Shift focus away from your own agenda
Avoid the 4 Horsemen - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling**
Schedule sensitive discussions
FRAMEWORK:
Use tools to frame conversations around Empathy (understanding) and Assertiveness (your own perspective/feelings)
One Minute Drill*:
Take turns: 30 seconds to share perspective (Assertive), Partner summarizes back (Empathy). Reverse Roles
Gottman Rapaport Tool**:
Take turns expressing perspective. Partner listens compassionately, takes notes, and reflects to partner. Reverse Roles
Aftermath of a Fight Tool**:
5 Steps to processing a fight/argument
Feelings - Realities - Triggers - Responsibility - Constructive Plan
SAFE BREAK:
Effective Break Ritual**:
Be willing to pause a conversation (30 min – 24 hours) with an agreed upon word or phrase if conversation elevates
* Copyright 1984 by David D. Burns, M.D. Revised 2001.
** Copyright 2000-2014 by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed under license of the Gottman Institute, Inc.
