Blame vs Accountability

I’m continually amazed by the power and destructiveness of blame on relationships and mental health. Externally, blame is the focusing on who’s right, who’s wrong, and who’s at fault. Internally, blame is that critical voice in your head, continually bringing up shortcomings.

You may be wondering if by removing blame, do you remove accountability? Blame goes beyond accountability in that it includes judgment, which is rooted in expectations and criticism. This judgement can get you stuck in defensiveness, shame, and resentment.  

Let’s start with relationships.  Dr. David Burns, reports that over 25 years of research and clinical practice, he found that blame is the single variable most directly associated with unhappy marriages and future conflict. This is why a primary goal of couples counseling is removing blame from conflict. Dr Burns teaches a powerful communication model to rid us of blame called EAR (empathy, assertiveness, and respect). I have written about this technique a few times in previous blogs.

Here’s a brief example; My friend doesn’t pick me up and take me to the gym because he overslept for the third day in a row. I would understandably be upset, but instead of focusing on blame, I might try the EAR model so I can understand the issue;

“I’ve noticed that you missed the last three days, and I image that you’re either annoyed at me that I wanted to go so early or frustrated with yourself for not getting up. Is that right, or is there something else going on? (EMPATHY) Honestly, I get frustrated when you don’t show up (ASSERTIVE) and I don’t want this to become a big issue because our friendship is more important than working out together (RESPECT)…”   

How about that internal voice of blame and criticism? Albert Ellis famously believed that the majority of human emotional suffering begins with what he coined; “musterbation” (rigid “musts, oughts, and shoulds”) meaning self-demandingness, other-demandingness, and world-demandingness. When we consider should statements, we can feel the criticism within and infer blame (either self or on another) for not meeting an expectation.

Interestingly, the EAR technique also works with internal (self-blame). You are simply using the tool with your own internal critical voice.

For example, I’m a salesperson and I just lost a sale. The internal voice says, “ It’s all my fault that we lost this deal!”‍ ‍Using the tool, I might take a deep breath and say to myself;

“I really did want this deal. I did make mistakes, and I also had to overcome circumstances that were out of my control (EMPATHY),  I’m disappointed that the customer found a different option and I’m worried about not making commission (ASSERTIVE). I feel these things because I care about taking care of my family. I’m a good provider and losing this deal doesn’t change that. (RESPECT).”

Notice that neither example above avoids accountability.  If you find yourself focused on blame, try to change your mindset today. You can do it!!!!